Woooowwww, I completely forgot that I even had this. I will try harder to update this more often. I have plenty to talk about is I can build up the courage to make it public.
Anyway, umm.... I won't say too much this go-around, because I'm actually in a bit of a hurry. But I will post again! Promise!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Pity Party this, Pity Party that.
I started drawing yesterday. I had forgotten how rewarding it can be to me. I just hope that I finish this one.... although I keep reminding myself that it is not the finished project that matters, but more that I started it.
My two little sisters have moved out to be on their own (they are twins; 18 years old), but one of them is considering moving back in with my mom and I. I secretly hope that she comes back. I miss them both very much, and it's nice to have someone else in the house with me during the day. I know that this will all change soon when I can start going back to school, but still.... the days get lonely, and they add up quickly.
I start going to DBT groups, today. I'll admit: I'm scared shitless. Not because of DBT itself or the fact that I will be leaving the house, but because I often find these groups to be triggering to me, and I am scared of the challenges I will be forced to face-- with other people around me at that, no less.
*sigh*
I know that to the "average" person, all of these silly things I write seem so simple. "Why can't she just go get a job and quit complaining?" "She still lives with her mom? Good God, how old is this woman?" "Pity party this, pity party that.... get over it." and similar thoughts most likely pass through your mind in some fashion. And that's okay. Whether what I think really makes any difference or not, I automatically forgive any of you who feel that way. because I feel that way, too, about myself.
I hate having mental health disorders. I just wish that I could be like the rest of you. Not that your lives are easier or that you do not have serious struggles.... but you are stronger.... your mind operates differently, and I envy it.
All I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember is for everyone else to be as happy as possible. Do you know why? Not necessarily because I love every one of you that deeply (I do, but that is beside the point), but because you can be happy. You have that power, and many of you have harnessed it.... and nothing makes me feel better than to see someone else enjoying their own life. Yes, I get jealous. But I also gain hope.
So all I wanted to really say was:
Thank you.
My two little sisters have moved out to be on their own (they are twins; 18 years old), but one of them is considering moving back in with my mom and I. I secretly hope that she comes back. I miss them both very much, and it's nice to have someone else in the house with me during the day. I know that this will all change soon when I can start going back to school, but still.... the days get lonely, and they add up quickly.
I start going to DBT groups, today. I'll admit: I'm scared shitless. Not because of DBT itself or the fact that I will be leaving the house, but because I often find these groups to be triggering to me, and I am scared of the challenges I will be forced to face-- with other people around me at that, no less.
*sigh*
I know that to the "average" person, all of these silly things I write seem so simple. "Why can't she just go get a job and quit complaining?" "She still lives with her mom? Good God, how old is this woman?" "Pity party this, pity party that.... get over it." and similar thoughts most likely pass through your mind in some fashion. And that's okay. Whether what I think really makes any difference or not, I automatically forgive any of you who feel that way. because I feel that way, too, about myself.
I hate having mental health disorders. I just wish that I could be like the rest of you. Not that your lives are easier or that you do not have serious struggles.... but you are stronger.... your mind operates differently, and I envy it.
All I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember is for everyone else to be as happy as possible. Do you know why? Not necessarily because I love every one of you that deeply (I do, but that is beside the point), but because you can be happy. You have that power, and many of you have harnessed it.... and nothing makes me feel better than to see someone else enjoying their own life. Yes, I get jealous. But I also gain hope.
So all I wanted to really say was:
Thank you.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Anxiety
My therapist wants me to write more. I suppose I can use this. I just can't seem to write like I used to, though.... it seems like anytime I actually sit down with an intention to write, the words escape me. Or rather, the thoughts/feelings escape me altogether, somehow, which makes translating it into English impossible. This is not to suggest that I stop feeling when I write. Perhaps I just have anxiety around it, and so the anxiety takes over. Like i need to perform or something.
I realize more and more throughout time that I struggle very much with anxiety. I don't know that this was always the case or not, but it seems like becoming more educated on what exactly "anxiety" means has allowed me to make sense of why I "can't" do certain things, or otherwise. For example, I "can't" even handle the mere idea of having a job right now. Why? Because I am so fucking anxious about performing and making any type of commitment. But before I even knew what anxiety was, I assumed I was just a lazy-ass fuck with no ambition.... and that was only up to about a few months ago!
I didn't fully grasp the concept of anxious feelings until after I was hospitalized for my second time at 21. I had heard the term and been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) before, but I never questioned what it actually meant until I was stuck in a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group, already frustrated and trapped-feeling. The word "anxiety" kept popping up everywhere, constantly. I finally lost my temper and yelled at the poor woman leading the group, saying that I didn't even know what anxiety was and how stupid I felt for not understanding. After I finally got the definition and some examples, it all clicked as to why I was diagnosed with GAD in the first place.
Education about different aspects of mental health used to seem so pointless to me before. It felt like even though I had a doctor telling me that I was "sick", and even though I had medicine to take for some of the disorders, I was still and probably always would be "sick". Knowing that fact didn't seem to help the fact. But I think I understand now why it truly can be helpful in some ways. Knowing that I have anxiety in so many areas and that I have a condition making me this way aids in my overwhelming guilt. I obsess so much over guilt.... I don't know why, and I don't know how the hell to stop. But simply accepting the fact that I am ill and that it is mostly out of my hands helps me not beat myself up over it quite so much.
I don't know if this helps anyone else who has mental health problems (or anyone who knows someone who does), but I hope it makes some sense out there to those of you who feel frustrated with the "12-step Programs" and the like. In recovery, acceptance is named key. But sometimes, we forget which way to turn it.
I realize more and more throughout time that I struggle very much with anxiety. I don't know that this was always the case or not, but it seems like becoming more educated on what exactly "anxiety" means has allowed me to make sense of why I "can't" do certain things, or otherwise. For example, I "can't" even handle the mere idea of having a job right now. Why? Because I am so fucking anxious about performing and making any type of commitment. But before I even knew what anxiety was, I assumed I was just a lazy-ass fuck with no ambition.... and that was only up to about a few months ago!
I didn't fully grasp the concept of anxious feelings until after I was hospitalized for my second time at 21. I had heard the term and been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) before, but I never questioned what it actually meant until I was stuck in a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group, already frustrated and trapped-feeling. The word "anxiety" kept popping up everywhere, constantly. I finally lost my temper and yelled at the poor woman leading the group, saying that I didn't even know what anxiety was and how stupid I felt for not understanding. After I finally got the definition and some examples, it all clicked as to why I was diagnosed with GAD in the first place.
Education about different aspects of mental health used to seem so pointless to me before. It felt like even though I had a doctor telling me that I was "sick", and even though I had medicine to take for some of the disorders, I was still and probably always would be "sick". Knowing that fact didn't seem to help the fact. But I think I understand now why it truly can be helpful in some ways. Knowing that I have anxiety in so many areas and that I have a condition making me this way aids in my overwhelming guilt. I obsess so much over guilt.... I don't know why, and I don't know how the hell to stop. But simply accepting the fact that I am ill and that it is mostly out of my hands helps me not beat myself up over it quite so much.
I don't know if this helps anyone else who has mental health problems (or anyone who knows someone who does), but I hope it makes some sense out there to those of you who feel frustrated with the "12-step Programs" and the like. In recovery, acceptance is named key. But sometimes, we forget which way to turn it.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Addiction, Addiction, Addiction.
I don't understand why I cannot seem to function unless I am functioning through some sort of addiction. I get addicted to food (Eating Disorder-- I have/had one, people); to restriction.; to purging; to exercise. To video games. To pleasing people. To substances. To sleep. To staying awake. To my OCD. To people. To animals. To money. To working. To school. To avoidance. To EVERYTHING, in some way. It always comes in a wave of its own-- I just can't seem to stop riding the wave until I inevitably drown out. I know that it's possible to comfortably enjoy things in life in moderation, but I just don't have the power to control my urges most of the time, whether they are "good" or "bad" (and even too much of a good thing is destructive). Why can I not just be my own person and quit being so dependent on little details that carry me through?
I don't understand why I can completely logically comprehend what the do's and don't's are and why they exist the way that they do, but at the very same time, I cannot emotionally mirror my rationalizations. ("I know that I should be angry and that it is okay to express it, but I feel too ashamed of myself to feel a right to capture and/or portray that emotion...." or "I know that I will feel guilt and ultimately suffer from other unwanted consequences if I smoke this cigarette, but I'm just really craving it....")
One addiction after another addiction before a new addiction. It is an endless fucking cycle with me, and I hate that about myself. But why is my hatred for it not enough to make me stop?
If only it could be so Goddamn easy.
I don't understand why I can completely logically comprehend what the do's and don't's are and why they exist the way that they do, but at the very same time, I cannot emotionally mirror my rationalizations. ("I know that I should be angry and that it is okay to express it, but I feel too ashamed of myself to feel a right to capture and/or portray that emotion...." or "I know that I will feel guilt and ultimately suffer from other unwanted consequences if I smoke this cigarette, but I'm just really craving it....")
One addiction after another addiction before a new addiction. It is an endless fucking cycle with me, and I hate that about myself. But why is my hatred for it not enough to make me stop?
If only it could be so Goddamn easy.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
A Small Vent
I had more page views than I ever expected to have the other day.... I'm not sure how exactly to feel about that: gratefulness or fear. Or maybe both are permitted.
I have Major Depression. "Big whoop", right? I am also Bipolar. Along with having Borderline Personality Disorder. And Dissociation Disorder, OCD, Anxiety, and Impulse Disorder. Phew. Glad to get that list out in the open. I'm a crazy bitch, and I know this. But you know what's funny? The fact that I know I'm sick helps me none whatsoever in fixing the problem. I learn skills and go through therapy and take medicine.... but yet, I'm still a crazy fucked-up bitch on the inside.
I don't think anyone ever truly finds a cure with themselves in these types of disorders. I think we merely learn how to manage it well enough on the outside so that we fit in. The feelings, the panic, the aches, the death.... it's all still there. It still exists within me. But maybe if we just complain about it less, we're "better".
God, I hate life sometimes.
I have Major Depression. "Big whoop", right? I am also Bipolar. Along with having Borderline Personality Disorder. And Dissociation Disorder, OCD, Anxiety, and Impulse Disorder. Phew. Glad to get that list out in the open. I'm a crazy bitch, and I know this. But you know what's funny? The fact that I know I'm sick helps me none whatsoever in fixing the problem. I learn skills and go through therapy and take medicine.... but yet, I'm still a crazy fucked-up bitch on the inside.
I don't think anyone ever truly finds a cure with themselves in these types of disorders. I think we merely learn how to manage it well enough on the outside so that we fit in. The feelings, the panic, the aches, the death.... it's all still there. It still exists within me. But maybe if we just complain about it less, we're "better".
God, I hate life sometimes.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
First Post (How Original)
Well, hi. I have never partaken in the journey of blogging before now, so bare with me (assuming this is even read by anyone other than myself).
I'm Kayla. I'm kind of fucked up in a lot of ways, but still relatively normal enough in other categories so as to be unsuspected of being fucked up. It has gotten me by in my last 21 years or so. Up until recently, I suppose.
I don't have any idea where precisely to begin. I will also admit that I am currently a bit too tired to actually be starting this up. The commitment-- it scares me, in all honesty. Is that considerably normal? Perhaps so. Or perhaps to some; to people like me. If we exist.
Goodnight for now. I shall return tomorrow.
Maybe.
I'm Kayla. I'm kind of fucked up in a lot of ways, but still relatively normal enough in other categories so as to be unsuspected of being fucked up. It has gotten me by in my last 21 years or so. Up until recently, I suppose.
I don't have any idea where precisely to begin. I will also admit that I am currently a bit too tired to actually be starting this up. The commitment-- it scares me, in all honesty. Is that considerably normal? Perhaps so. Or perhaps to some; to people like me. If we exist.
Goodnight for now. I shall return tomorrow.
Maybe.
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