I don't understand why I cannot seem to function unless I am functioning through some sort of addiction. I get addicted to food (Eating Disorder-- I have/had one, people); to restriction.; to purging; to exercise. To video games. To pleasing people. To substances. To sleep. To staying awake. To my OCD. To people. To animals. To money. To working. To school. To avoidance. To EVERYTHING, in some way. It always comes in a wave of its own-- I just can't seem to stop riding the wave until I inevitably drown out. I know that it's possible to comfortably enjoy things in life in moderation, but I just don't have the power to control my urges most of the time, whether they are "good" or "bad" (and even too much of a good thing is destructive). Why can I not just be my own person and quit being so dependent on little details that carry me through?
I don't understand why I can completely logically comprehend what the do's and don't's are and why they exist the way that they do, but at the very same time, I cannot emotionally mirror my rationalizations. ("I know that I should be angry and that it is okay to express it, but I feel too ashamed of myself to feel a right to capture and/or portray that emotion...." or "I know that I will feel guilt and ultimately suffer from other unwanted consequences if I smoke this cigarette, but I'm just really craving it....")
One addiction after another addiction before a new addiction. It is an endless fucking cycle with me, and I hate that about myself. But why is my hatred for it not enough to make me stop?
If only it could be so Goddamn easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment