Pity Party this, Pity Party that.

I started drawing yesterday.  I had forgotten how rewarding it can be to me.  I just hope that I finish this one.... although I keep reminding myself that it is not the finished project that matters, but more that I started it.

My two little sisters have moved out to be on their own (they are twins; 18 years old), but one of them is considering moving back in with my mom and I.  I secretly hope that she comes back.  I miss them both very much, and it's nice to have someone else in the house with me during the day.  I know that this will all change soon when I can start going back to school, but still.... the days get lonely, and they add up quickly.

I start going to DBT groups, today.  I'll admit: I'm scared shitless.  Not because of DBT itself or the fact that I will be leaving the house, but because I often find these groups to be triggering to me, and I am scared of the challenges I will be forced to face-- with other people around me at that, no less.

*sigh*

I know that to the "average" person, all of these silly things I write seem so simple.  "Why can't she just go get a job and quit complaining?" "She still lives with her mom?  Good God, how old is this woman?"  "Pity party this, pity party that.... get over it." and similar thoughts most likely pass through your mind in some fashion.  And that's okay.  Whether what I think really makes any difference or not, I automatically forgive any of you who feel that way.  because I feel that way, too, about myself.

I hate having mental health disorders.  I just wish that I could be like the rest of you.  Not that your lives are easier or that you do not have serious struggles.... but you are stronger.... your mind operates differently, and I envy it.

All I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember is for everyone else to be as happy as possible.  Do you know why?  Not necessarily because I love every one of you that deeply (I do, but that is beside the point), but because you can be happy.  You have that power, and many of you have harnessed it.... and nothing makes me feel better than to see someone else enjoying their own life.  Yes, I get jealous.  But I also gain hope.

So all I wanted to really say was:
Thank you.