Anxiety

My therapist wants me to write more.  I suppose I can use this.  I just can't seem to write like I used to, though.... it seems like anytime I actually sit down with an intention to write, the words escape me.  Or rather, the thoughts/feelings escape me altogether, somehow, which makes translating it into English impossible.  This is not to suggest that I stop feeling when I write.  Perhaps I just have anxiety around it, and so the anxiety takes over.  Like i need to perform or something.  

I realize more and more throughout time that I struggle very much with anxiety.  I don't know that this was always the case or not, but it seems like becoming more educated on what exactly "anxiety" means has allowed me to make sense of why I "can't" do certain things, or otherwise.  For example, I "can't" even handle the mere idea of having a job right now.  Why?  Because I am so fucking anxious about performing and making any type of commitment.  But before I even knew what anxiety was, I assumed I was just a lazy-ass fuck with no ambition.... and that was only up to about a few months ago!

I didn't fully grasp the concept of anxious feelings until after I was hospitalized for my second time at 21.  I had heard the term and been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) before, but I never questioned what it actually meant until I was stuck in a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group, already frustrated and trapped-feeling.  The word "anxiety" kept popping up everywhere, constantly.  I finally lost my temper and yelled at the poor woman leading the group, saying that I didn't even know what anxiety was and how stupid I felt for not understanding.  After I finally got the definition and some examples, it all clicked as to why I was diagnosed with GAD in the first place.

Education about different aspects of mental health used to seem so pointless to me before.  It felt like even though I had a doctor telling me that I was "sick", and even though I had medicine to take for some of the disorders, I was still and probably always would be "sick".  Knowing that fact didn't seem to help the fact.  But I think I understand now why it truly can be helpful in some ways.  Knowing that I have anxiety in so many areas and that I have a condition making me this way aids in my overwhelming guilt.  I obsess so much over guilt.... I don't know why, and I don't know how the hell to stop.  But simply accepting the fact that I am ill and that it is mostly out of my hands helps me not beat myself up over it quite so much.

I don't know if this helps anyone else who has mental health problems (or anyone who knows someone who does), but I hope it makes some sense out there to those of you who feel frustrated with the "12-step Programs" and the like.  In recovery, acceptance is named key.  But sometimes, we forget which way to turn it.